Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
