My underwear smells like fireworks.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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