tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
