My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
