# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
