so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
