the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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