Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
