I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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