Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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