I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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