This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
