she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize
