so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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