Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
