just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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