from now on my penis is your penis
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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