from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
