That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
