The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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