I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
