my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
