Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize