Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
