Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
