Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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