We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
