I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
