When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Text me some of your sweat
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