totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
