im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Can't talk, ducks in the car
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
