I am puke
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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