I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Randomize
