i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Randomize
