On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
