I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
