She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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