she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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