i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
