Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Randomize
