i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
