Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
