If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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