I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
