I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
