dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
