Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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