I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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