i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
