Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize