Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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