Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
