Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
