So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
