he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
