I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
